GRAND CANYON QUIZ
There have been suggestions in the past regarding how to filter out hikers who are not experienced enough for certain hikes in the Canyon. I would humbly submit the following quiz as a tool for this selection.
You are on the rim and you see ecstatic children gleefully throwing rocks over the edge. You:
- Break their little fingers.
- Throw rocks at them.
- Throw one of them over the edge, saying, "See how you like it!".
You are hiking the Bright Angel Trail and see some tourists feeding a squirrel. You:
- Throw rocks at them.
- Start feeding their children.
- Smack the squirrel smartly with a rolled-up newspaper saying, "I've been training that animal for months, and you just ruined him!".
You see some stalwart young gentlemen cutting across a trail switchback. You:
- Give one of them a hearty push.
- Knock them down and tie their bootlaces together.
- Roll rocks down on them (the sign did say "short cutting can cause rock slides").
You meet a hiker on the Tonto Trail. He asks you where he is. You answer:
- In the Grand Canyon
- At Yosemite Falls
- Beats me: I got off the number 9 bus and I've been looking for the Boston Museum of Science for hours.
You are waiting for the West Rim tram to arrive. A tourist asks you: "Is this the West Rim Tram?". You answer:
- No, it's the number 9 bus.
- No, it's a wooden shelter with benches under it.
- That depends on what you mean by "is".
You meet a backpacker camped illegally by the South Kaibab Tonto outhouse. You:
- Set fire to his pack to alert the rangers.
- Lock him in the outhouse and leisurely walk down to Phantom Ranch to alert the rangers.
- Chat him up in a friendly fashion, find out where he parked his car, and hike out to let all the air out of his tires.
A ranger admonishes you for a minor infraction. You:
- Smile warmly and think to yourself: I've been hiking here since before you were born.
- Remind yourself that the rangers put up with thousands of dipsticks every day.
- Apologize (if you were guilty), point out the actual infract or (if you were innocent), and divert his/her attention by asking how long it takes a deer to grow into an elk.
- All of the above.
A lady approaches you on the South Rim. She asks: How did that river get all the way into the bottom of the Canyon? You answer:
- WPA project.
- Entropy works.
- Beats me: it used to be up on the rim and one day it just slipped down inside.
You meet a family with small children on the South Kaibab. It is one o'clock in the afternoon. They are on their way down for a day hike to the River and out. It is August and the forecast is for 114 at Phantom Ranch. You:
- Surreptitiously break the father's leg so they have to turn around.
- Stuff a kid under one arm and run up the trail so they have to follow you.
- Offer to take their picture so the grandparents will have something to remember them by.
You are hanging out at Phantom Ranch and a macho young man and his buff girlfriend come bounding up. They just hiked down the South Kaibab and didn't get a permit because "that's for dopes". The Ranch is full, the campground is full, and they want your advice as to where they can hide out for the night. You:
- Tell them: Sack out on the front porch of the ranger station. They won't mind.
- Set fire to their pack to alert the ranger.
- Sell them a cabin space for $200 cash. Then move fast.