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GRAND CANYON QUIZ

There have been suggestions in the past regarding how to filter out hikers who are not experienced enough for certain hikes in the Canyon. I would humbly submit the following quiz as a tool for this selection.
You are on the rim and you see ecstatic children gleefully throwing rocks over the edge. You:

  1. Break their little fingers.
  2. Throw rocks at them.
  3. Throw one of them over the edge, saying, "See how you like it!".

You are hiking the Bright Angel Trail and see some tourists feeding a squirrel. You:

  1. Throw rocks at them.
  2. Start feeding their children.
  3. Smack the squirrel smartly with a rolled-up newspaper saying, "I've been training that animal for months, and you just ruined him!".

You see some stalwart young gentlemen cutting across a trail switchback. You:

  1. Give one of them a hearty push.
  2. Knock them down and tie their bootlaces together.
  3. Roll rocks down on them (the sign did say "short cutting can cause rock slides").

You meet a hiker on the Tonto Trail. He asks you where he is. You answer:

  1. In the Grand Canyon
  2. At Yosemite Falls
  3. Beats me: I got off the number 9 bus and I've been looking for the Boston Museum of Science for hours.

You are waiting for the West Rim tram to arrive. A tourist asks you: "Is this the West Rim Tram?". You answer:

  1. No, it's the number 9 bus.
  2. No, it's a wooden shelter with benches under it.
  3. That depends on what you mean by "is".

You meet a backpacker camped illegally by the South Kaibab Tonto outhouse. You:

  1. Set fire to his pack to alert the rangers.
  2. Lock him in the outhouse and leisurely walk down to Phantom Ranch to alert the rangers.
  3. Chat him up in a friendly fashion, find out where he parked his car, and hike out to let all the air out of his tires.

A ranger admonishes you for a minor infraction. You:

  1. Smile warmly and think to yourself: I've been hiking here since before you were born.
  2. Remind yourself that the rangers put up with thousands of dipsticks every day.
  3. Apologize (if you were guilty), point out the actual infract or (if you were innocent), and divert his/her attention by asking how long it takes a deer to grow into an elk.
  4. All of the above.

A lady approaches you on the South Rim. She asks: How did that river get all the way into the bottom of the Canyon? You answer:

  1. WPA project.
  2. Entropy works.
  3. Beats me: it used to be up on the rim and one day it just slipped down inside.

You meet a family with small children on the South Kaibab. It is one o'clock in the afternoon. They are on their way down for a day hike to the River and out. It is August and the forecast is for 114 at Phantom Ranch. You:

  1. Surreptitiously break the father's leg so they have to turn around.
  2. Stuff a kid under one arm and run up the trail so they have to follow you.
  3. Offer to take their picture so the grandparents will have something to remember them by.

You are hanging out at Phantom Ranch and a macho young man and his buff girlfriend come bounding up. They just hiked down the South Kaibab and didn't get a permit because "that's for dopes". The Ranch is full, the campground is full, and they want your advice as to where they can hide out for the night. You:

  1. Tell them: Sack out on the front porch of the ranger station. They won't mind.
  2. Set fire to their pack to alert the ranger.
  3. Sell them a cabin space for $200 cash. Then move fast.